Kristyna Ilek - Interview

Kristyna Ilek’s interview took place on the 13th August 2024. She is a queer, white, Eastern-European dramaturg, member of Dare to Care Art Collective and PhD student, with Czech and EU citizenship. She has lived in Czech Republic, Scotland, France and Netherlands, she currently lives in Northern-Ireland.

Kristyna's portrait

When I asked Kristyna what the concept of “home” means to her, she explained how throughout her life that feeling connection to her creative work and to people, have given her the feeling of home. In contrast, the societal perception of “home” and associated expectations of her family for her to “settle down” in one geographical location, have felt oppressive and limiting:

●      “There's pressure from my family to be settled somewhere, and it implies that for them, settling means home. But it feels really claustrophobic just being tied to one physical place.”

●      “I used to say that my like work is my home. But by work, I meant something that I find interesting. So, maybe I had a paid job with a source of money, but then I would do art projects or research and I would be really interested in something, and that would be my home. I'm really interested in other places.”

●      “But then I'm realizing that home is also people. So, I try to find this feeling of home within me, no matter what flat or what city I live in, and then, make connections with people, and that would be home.”

During our conversation, Kristyna detailed the various conflicts she has experienced with her sense of identity; with her sexuality as a queer woman, as an Eastern-European migrant and with her mental health, often facing social prejudice and stigma:

●      “I'm white, Central / Eastern European, cis-woman. I'm queer.”

●      “I feel very lucky, because I struggled quite a lot with my sexuality, but I never struggled with my gender. And I don't take it for granted.”

●      “I was born in the Czech Republic, but then I've been traveling and moving around for the past 10 years, and I'll be 30, so a third of my life I have spent elsewhere.”

●      “Sometimes I'm ashamed that I'm Czech because people don't know the Czech Republic, or it doesn't have really nice connotations. So, I would often say I'm from Prague.

●      “I have a diagnosis, but I wouldn't describe myself as disabled. I know that I'm probably doing a disservice to people with mental health illness, because I'm not taking myself seriously. It's not that I don't take other people seriously, if someone told me they have anxiety, but I struggle to accept it within me, because I just don't like to have it. It's an imperfection, and loving it is really hard.”

Kristyna described how her personality has changed throughout her life, from being a shy and anxious child to an extroverted adult who struggles with isolation, whilst also acknowledging the performative nature of her extroversion:

●      “I've known myself my whole life, but obviously you never know yourself enough. You're not objective. You're so subjective about yourself.”

●      “I'm quite social. I like connection, connecting with people. I can be quite extroverted, even though, when I was growing up, I was scared of everything, and I was quiet and really introverted. But then at some point, I felt this urge to change that. I'm proud that I went from being afraid of everything to wanting connections. I like to not take things too seriously, to be able to joke about stuff.”

●      “I think I am creative and I can be quite ambitious.”

●      “I try to be kind.  I know that sometimes I'm not kind, or my first impulse might be not to be kind, but I really value kindness.”

●      “When I'm isolated by external circumstances, I have a really negative outlook on life. But then as soon as I get dressed and put makeup on, and I go out with people - it feels sometimes performative, but I also know it's authentic version of myself too.”

●      “It's like paddling with a surfboard, and then you climb on the surfboard and you can ride the wave. But then obviously you have to get down and battle again.”

Kristyna has experienced discrimination both as a woman and as an Eastern-European migrant. She reflected on how street harassment had led her to change her appearance and how she expressed her identity through her clothes and make-up. She emphasised the insidious nature of ethnic discrimination, whilst acknowledging that it was often structural and not necessarily individuals intending to cause harm, it has led her to change her surname to make it easier to spell in English:

●      “In the Czech Republic, I struggled with being queer. I'm not so scared anymore, but being a woman, you still get harassed on public transport late at night, sometimes during the day. So, I feel discriminated because I'm a woman, and that's pretty universal.”

●      “The way I like to dress; I like to wear glitter, I like to wear interesting shapes and cuts, I like to wear bright colors - and I know that in the Czech Republic, if you're not in like the city center or the cool hipster parts of Prague, you will still get, judging looks. I never feel uncomfortable in the UK, wearing high heels, short skirts, or loads of makeup. When I lived in France, in Toulouse, that's when I stopped wearing short skirts, because I just got harassed all the time. Every single day, I got comments on streets and men approaching me.”

●      “When I was working in a bar in Glasgow, someone heard my accent and asked me where I'm from. Then they asked me what I do, and when I told them I'm studying at university, they replied, “Oh, so you just came here to earn our money, and then you'll bring it back home, right? For me, it was unimaginable - because I'm white, blonde, blue eyed, so I do not experience discrimination. I think it was actually a good experience, it wasn’t threatening, but I was just so oblivious and now I am aware of my privilege.”

●      “Because of how I look and my social background, I didn't really experience violent discrimination, just little hints of things that are there to just remind you - this is your place, or this is how we see you.”

●      “It wasn't remarks from people, but more systemic things, like people genuinely didn't know how to spell my name, and they had to ask three times. These things that make you aware constantly that you're not a part of the mainstream society because you're not from there. I did change my surname a few years ago for many reasons, but one of them was that it was really difficult to spell my original last name in English.”

●      “I don't want to blame other people for systemic and more structural things or historical events that shaped the cultural perception a nation. It took me a while to understand that it's not just individual people being hateful, obviously they can also think and be more empathetic, but I think Eastern Europe has a strange relationship to Western Europe. It's like the West doesn't care, and Eastern Europe is trying to be like the West.”

Kristyna feels a sense of connection to diaspora communities and highlighted her joy at connecting like-minded friends, whilst struggling to feel that sense of belonging when she returns to her country of birth:

●      “When I come back to the Czech Republic, I don't put enough effort in to really connect with people. They know who you are, that you speak Czech, but you've been away for so long and they don't understand this – they think it’s a bit weird. But then when I'm abroad, I also don't fit in. I was always more connected to international communities - I like to introduce my friends to each other, to have a community of my friends. That's one of my favourite things to do. It's like a long-distance community.”

Kristyna said that her current passion was personal growth, a response to challenging experiences she has faced recently:

●      “It’s out of necessity, but I feel passionate about learning how to be myself again. I was always interested in not being stuck in who I am, and understanding things more because when I was younger, I would go for extreme situations, going from being in control to chaos, like I wasn’t understanding human existence and the world.”

When choosing the colours and symbols for her portrait and flag, Kristyna deliberated for a long time, eventually choosing the colours which she likes to wear to express her personality, as well as green because of the value she places on spending time in nature. As someone who hugely values acts of kindness, she chose wonky hearts for her symbol ad a reminder to love herself and other people:

●      “Choosing colours is quite superficial for me, because I think about how I look, the clothes and makeup I wear, it's very shallow. I know that red color makes me feel good, but if I don't feel confident enough to wear red color, then I need to check in with myself. I really like blue - because I'm learning to appreciate things about myself and I started really liking my eyes. I also started wearing this light purple, like a lilac.”

●      “I’m feeling this pressure of having to be more adult and taking myself and my life more seriously, and pink feels childish and careless, and I'm trying to make myself look more mature because I'm aware that I'm short and blonde.”

●      “Green is important for me because of nature, I like to see the green in nature.”

●      “To me, symbols go against the idea of change and embracing change. When I started getting tattoos, I mostly had hearts because when I go through a rough period, then I get a heart to remember to love myself and to love other people. To remember that I’m kind and to stick with people who are kind, who are able to love something or someone, or the world. A heart is a really simple symbol, because it's not political.”

We also discussed the suitability of the medium of flags, because of their history as tools of conquest and oppression, which led me to reflect on the methodology I was using. Kristyna made the following insightful reflection, which helped me to better understand the approach I was taking to my creative research:

●      “Maybe it's not about the flag or the result. Maybe it's about the ability to have these conversations through this medium. It's more like a methodology, rather than a sad flag that doesn't ever change. It's a process, everything is a process, life is a process. Life is a process.”

Kristyna's flag

Find all the interviews from my 'Kaleidentity' poject on my blog!